1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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