he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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