We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Randomize
