so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
