So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
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