can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
