??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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