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So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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