you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
