You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
