I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Randomize
