theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
My balls are so social today.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
