No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
