shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
