I've blown a few things in my day
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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