I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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