Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Too much gin, very little bucket
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Randomize
