My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
