i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
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