through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
