Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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