Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
