Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
We got so high we made milksteak
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Randomize
