I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
