i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
