you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
You left your phone here
Wait...
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
