I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
