I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
