i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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