When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
