I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
