Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
