I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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