Please, let me fuck your mom
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
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