There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
