good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Randomize
