dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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