I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
