I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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