Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Randomize
