I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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