Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
