Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
