I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
