I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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