I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
