she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
