he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
