My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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