??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
