When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
